To his most Gracious Christian Majesty, King of France and Navarre, Louis XV, from his faithful and humble servant, Louis Vincent Delaque, Marquis d'Esquarbrie, Comte du Roburn, Chevallier du Bobmar, and by the will of his majesty, General de l'Armee du Nord,
|Someone needs to invent reading glasses.|
It is with the greatest joy and humility I hasten to inform your majesty of the glorious victory of his forces over the misguided army of the Duchy of Fenwick, on the field of battle at the village of Donghet Kocke. By the will of God, his majesty's forces have not only driven the enemy from the field, they have also demonstrated his majesty's pious Christian charity towards the defeated, and defended the spurious attacks on both his majesty's good name, and on those of his illustrious allies, the British.
|That's them. Being illustrious.|
On the morning of January 30th, troopers of his Majesty's Dragon du Roi reported the location of elements of the Fenwickian army in the woods surrounding Donghet Kocke. Their forces had occupied a strong defensive position, with the core of their forces entrenched in and around the town, a forward screen deployed in the woods scattered across the outlying area, and a strong contingent of cavalry in reserve on their left. Aware of both your Majesty's desire for victory, and for the preservation of life, I gave orders to deploy his Majesty's forces so as to envelope the Fenwickian position. My intent was to make their defense of the town untenable, and by the grace of God, we were to prevail.
The opening stages of the battle saw a bombardment of the Fenwickian cavalry by our main battery, which forced them to retire behind shelter of a hill and the fields outside of town. I ordered a general advance, and after fierce fighting, the foward Fenwickian position, comprised of grenzers and other ruffians, stiffened by a leavening of regular infantry, were dispersed. Although the ground was unfavourable (being comprised primarily of thick woods and other terrain unfit for civilized battle), our lines reformed and advanced to threaten the town.
|Artist's rendition. Not to scale.|
At that point, his Majesty's cavalry were ordered to advance and engage the Fenwickian cavalry, who's position had become constricted in their initial retreat. With nowhere to flee, the Fenwickian chevalliers were compelled to stand and fight against the flower of his majesty's forces, including her Majesty the Queen's own guards. The results were predictable, and though the Fenwickians fought bravely, they were ridden down.
|Someone ate beans.|
Knowing both your Majesty's inclination to Christian charity, and your belief that the Fenwickians are merely deluded dupes, victims of the lies spread about his Majesty's British allies by the perfidious Marleneditrichers, I sought to prevent further butchery, and offered honorable terms to the Fenwickian commander.
|That's Christian. The one on the left.|
He accepted, and was allowed to retire from the field with full honours. It was my pleasure to host him at a dinner on the evening of the battle, at which I was delighted to display my recently acquired silverware. His Grace the Duke of Fenwick seemed to admire them to an inordinate degree. I cannot imagine why, and leave such matters to the far greater wisdom of your Majesty.
Your most humble and obedient servant,